Should You Tell Your Wife You’re Taking ED Medication? What Hiding It Really Costs

Short answer: Tell her. Hiding erectile dysfunction or low-testosterone treatment doesn't protect your wife — it robs her of the chance to walk through it with you. And when she finds the bottle two years later, the secrecy is what makes a health problem look like an affair.

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  Auto-generated transcript, lightly cleaned for readability. Low Testosterone & ED: He Hid His Meds in a Toolbox for 2 Years | The Black Box.

  Big O: Read the second Black Box letter real quick and run through this joint, man.

  Big El: All right. This is one that we were supposed to run through last week, but you know, life happens — and it happens in your face, and not in that fun and sexy way, bro.

  The letter: "Big O and Krush, I'm 47, married 19 years, two kids, one in college. My wife is still fine and she still wants me, which is what makes this worse. About two years ago, things started taking longer. Not never — just not on command anymore. I didn't tell her. What am I supposed to say? So I went to one of those online doctor sites, filled out the questionnaires in my truck on my lunch break like a criminal, and started getting a low dose of Cialis mailed to me in a package that doesn't say what's inside. I kept the bottle in my toolbox in the garage. Two years. She never knew."

  "Last Saturday, she was looking for the WD-40 and she found it. Now, fellas — she did not ask me if my body was doing okay. She did not ask if I was scared. She asked me who I was taking it for. Nineteen years, and her first thought was another woman."

  "And here's what I can't say out loud to anybody but y'all: I almost let her think it, for about four seconds. I would rather my wife believe I was a cheater than believe I was a man whose body is starting to quit on him. I sat there and did the math, and being a cheater felt like less of a demotion."

  "I told her the truth. She cried — not mad cried, the other kind. She said, 'Why didn't you just tell me?' And I still don't have an answer. So why is it easier for a Black man to be seen as a dog than as a man who needs help? Should I have told her two years ago? Or would that have been worse? Am I crazy for feeling like she took something from me by finding it instead of me telling her? And real talk — how many of y'all got a bottle in the toolbox somewhere? Use the whole message, just not my name. Call me Toolbox."

  Big El: You made a mistake, my man — when you started struggling in that particular area, you didn't share with your partner that you were struggling in that particular area. I'm not saying you needed to tell her at that very moment. But I believe you robbed her of the opportunity to support and care for you by withholding that information.

  Big El: It makes absolute sense that she would find that bottle in your toolbox and feel some type of way. She would feel as if you are cheating. She didn't find it in the medicine cabinet hiding behind the ibuprofen. She found it in the toolbox — which is where you would hide it if you were cheating. You set yourself up for that.

  Big El: And I think that's a bigger point here than Black men not wanting to have the conversation. There is something to men in general, but Black men specifically, not wanting to have conversations with our partners — particularly health-related conversations. There's a much larger conversation we could have around John Henryism, around how Black men will work ourselves to death under the pressures of white supremacy and not go to the doctor, the dentist, all those things. I absolutely understand where you're coming from. But this is your partner of 19 years. At that point in time it was 17 years, because it was two years ago. You robbed your partner of an opportunity to come through for you in a way I believe she would have.

  Big El: And the larger point: women understand that men's sexual abilities at some point are going to decline. Most women who marry men are prepared for that. You want to know why? Because their libido and their bodies start shifting long before ours do. I think it brings a level of comfort if you have that conversation. My guy, you owe your wife an apology. Apologize, and lead with love: "I completely understand why you would think I was cheating, based off my behavior of hiding it." Hiding it in the toolbox was the thing for me.

  Big O: Let me ask you a question. You don't think she already knew? We posted this question last week in our Facebook group, and one of our older sisters commented: to be honest with you, she could already tell. She probably knew there was a difference.

  Krush: One belief I think we hold onto as men is the desire to solve our problems quickly and quietly, in a silo — primarily because we want to be the pillar in our families. We do not want to be the anchor. Showing any sign of wear and tear or hesitation is scary for a man who has positioned himself as head of the household, as a source of strength in the relationship, who has probably seen his partner through some pretty intense times. To suddenly turn around and say "babe, I'm…" — that's hard, because you don't want them to ever stop and think, "oh, he can't help me today." That would crush a man inside.

  Krush: One thing we also don't want to be is the center of attention for the wrong reasons — everyone knows I'm sick, all of a sudden everything is about me and nothing else is getting done. So instead: let me handle mine, then I'll come back to you. But that's usually the exact wrong attitude. Your family is there for you for whatever you're dealing with, and most men don't want to embrace that fully.

  Big O: At some point in time, she isn't going to get as wet, you aren't going to get as hard, and y'all are going to have to figure it out. That's just the way nature rules. It's a matter of who goes first. Time is undefeated, my guy. If it's getting the job done — 17 years, she can't complain. She can't tell me that within those 17 years you didn't finish a little quicker than you used to sometimes, and she didn't notice. Seventeen years, y'all have been through it all, the good and the bad. She's seen everything. She's seen the worst of the worst.

  Big El / Krush / Big O: Apologize to that woman. He owes her an apology — a deep apology.

  Big El: I don't want to dive into the Noah Wells story tonight. There's still a lot going on with it, and I want to see what the state's response is now that the independent autopsy has been done — the state still hasn't completed their full autopsy and says it may take some time before they release it. My concern is that so many of us are waiting for justice to be given to us by these folk, and anytime that happens it's always been disappointment. So let's prepare for challenges. Don't expect a smooth thing. There will be ridiculous arguments made. There will be allegations.

The letter: two years, one toolbox, and the wrong question

The second Black Box letter came from a 47-year-old man, married 19 years, two kids, one in college. About two years ago, things "started taking longer. Not never — just not on command anymore." He said nothing. He filled out the questionnaires from one of those online men's-health sites in his truck on his lunch break, "like a criminal," and started getting a low dose mailed to him in a package that doesn't say what's inside. He kept the bottle in his toolbox in the garage.

Last Saturday his wife went looking for the WD-40 and found it instead. She did not ask if his body was okay. She did not ask if he was scared. She asked who he was taking it for.

Then came the line that stopped the room: for about four seconds, he almost let her believe it. He would rather his wife think he was a cheater than think he was a man whose body was starting to quit on him.

Why hiding it made it look like cheating

Big El's read was blunt, and it's the practical lesson for anybody in the same spot: the hiding place did the damage. A bottle behind the ibuprofen in the medicine cabinet is a health thing. A bottle buried in a toolbox in the garage is a secret — and a secret is exactly where a cheating man would put it. She didn't find evidence of another woman. She found evidence that her husband had been running a private operation for two years, and the mind fills that gap with the worst available story.

You robbed her of the chance to show up

Nobody on the panel said he had to announce it the same night it happened. What the fellas were hard on him about was the two years. At the time, that was 17 years of marriage — 17 years of her showing up. Deciding by yourself what your wife can handle isn't protection. It's taking her out of the room. She earned the chance to come through for you, and you spent it without asking. If you've watched us break down what happens when a partner gets cut out of the loop, this is the same lesson from the other side of the bed.

Why Black men don't go to the doctor

This is the bigger conversation underneath the letter, and it has a name. Researchers call it John Henryism — the high-effort, grit-your-teeth coping style Black Americans often use against sustained stress, linked in the research to higher blood pressure and worse health outcomes. Add the head-of-the-household pressure the fellas described: be the pillar, never the anchor. Solve it quickly, quietly, in a silo. Don't become the center of attention for the wrong reason. So men skip the doctor and the dentist and medicate themselves rather than say out loud that something is wrong — while Black men in the US carry one of the lowest life expectancies of any group in the country.

Worth naming plainly: erectile dysfunction is often an early warning sign of something bigger — high blood pressure, diabetes, cardiovascular disease. A pill treats the symptom. A real doctor's visit finds the cause. Ordering quietly from a website and hiding the bottle skips the part that might actually save your life.

She already knew

One of the older sisters in our Facebook group put it best: she could probably already tell. Nineteen years in, your partner knows the difference. And women generally understand that a man's body will shift at some point — partly because theirs shifts first. That's not a threat to the marriage; that's the deal. As Big O put it, at some point somebody's body goes first, and time is undefeated. The couples who come out fine are the ones who figure it out together instead of separately. It's the same honesty we asked for when we talked about what people actually judge in a relationship versus what they say out loud.

What he owes her

An apology — a deep one, led with love. Not "you shouldn't have thought that," but "I understand why you thought it, because of how I hid it." Then tell her what's actually going on, and go see a real doctor together. She has already seen the worst of the worst. She can handle this. What she couldn't handle was being locked out.

Keep It In The Black

Watch the full Black Box breakdown below, then pull up on us — the conversation keeps going with the family. Become Family for early drops, extended cuts, and the room where we go deeper.

Informed. Intelligent. In The Black.