Should You Tell Your Fiance You’ve Been Faking It? What Three Years of Silence Really Costs

Short answer: Yes — tell him, and tell him before the wedding. The sex is the smaller problem. Three years of pretending is the bigger one, because it robbed him of the chance to show up for you. That missing chance, not the bedroom, is what quietly eats a marriage down to the studs.

• Read the transcript

  I have never once finished with him. Not a single time in three years. And have let him believe otherwise. All right. Yes. Welcome, welcome, welcome. What's up? What's up? What is up? Back once again. It is the incredible In The Black podcast. In case you weren't aware, this is a podcast dedicated to covering the current events and social issues going on in your Black world and covering it all from the perspective of three grown men who know that they have at least a little bit of power in their homes. I hope. Yeah. I am your host, Big Mr. In The Black himself. Let me tell you, I changed the Wi-Fi password in a minute. You keep playing with me, I'll change the code. You know I got a punch lock on my door. I will chase, I'll chase. Forget that. I am your host, big old Mr. In The Black himself. But you know I can never do this alone, man. Let me introduce the rest of my council. Krush, say what's up. What's good, everybody? El, say what's up, bro. Yo. Now I want to go ahead and jump into our Black Box letter for tonight. Um. Oh okay. Yes indeed, bro. Okay. Tonight's Black Box letter. I think El's gonna have a good time with this because, you know, he's always trying to shoot his shot at the ladies. Now okay, deep breath. Here goes. "I'm 32, getting married in the spring, and my fiance is the best man I've ever known. Steady, kind, saved a year for the ring, loves my mama, prays over dinner. On paper, he's everything the aunties told me to hold out for. I have never once finished with him, not a single time in three years, and have let him believe otherwise since the first night. I am a good actress. Oscar worthy. And I kept telling myself it didn't matter because everything else was so right." Did I read the letter today? I don't even know why you finishing this. Yo, I feel like Stephen A. What was I supposed to do here? What am I going to do here? What am I going to do for this man? I only have so much power. What is wrong with the two of you? The man's such a nice guy. "I'm a good actress is what I'm telling you. Oscar worthy. And I kept telling myself it didn't matter because everything else was so right. Until my cousin's wedding last month, when I ended up standing too close to somebody from my past that I had no business standing that close to, and my whole body remembered something I've spent three years pretending I don't know." Nothing in three years. "Nothing happened. I need to be clear about that. I came home to my good man, my nice ring, but I laid there next to him wide awake doing a math problem I can't solve. Am I about to sign up for 50 years of pretending because he checks every box except the one nobody lets us say out loud? I can't ask my girls because half are single and would tell me to run. The other half are married and would swear sex stops mattering after the kids come. I can't ask my mother. She'd be planning an intervention and the seating chart in the same breath. So I'm bringing it to the three of you, because you're men and I need to hear what a man actually says when a woman isn't in the room to be spared. Would your husband self rather get the truth now and ride out one hard year, or find out a year or 10 down the road? Can a woman build something real on a man who's perfect everywhere but the bedroom? Or is it that quiet thing that ends up eating the whole house down to the studs? And be straight with me. When a man quote unquote settles for a woman who's right on paper, does he actually make his peace with it, or does he wind up at 45 in somebody's DMs doing the exact thing I'm terrified I'm about to become? Don't worry about my name. I'm past caring. None of my people listen to y'all anyway." Damn. Simone. Simone Houston. Damn, Simone. First off, why you ain't sharing us with your people? I'm like, yo, first, please. That was one of the jokes I was going to go for, for real. But go ahead, dog. So, we've heard Simone's plight. She's been three years in a relationship and she hasn't gotten her rocks off with her man in the whole three years, but it checks all the other boxes. They're married, right? No, they're not married. They engaged for three years. They're engaged. And she said specifically that she can't tell her home girls because one half will tell her to leave, the other half will tell her don't even worry about it and stay. So because El was tackling the whole time like the Baba Yaga, I'm going to let him go first. Well, the sad part about it is, you're making the same mistake that the last Black Box letter made with the Viagra in the toolbox. You're not having the conversation. You're not having the hard conversation. He just be throwing shots at everybody. He said, "You might as well stop taking Black Box letters cuz El's going to shoot at you." Hands down. It's three years, ma, that you haven't gotten what you needed in the bedroom and you haven't had a conversation one time to tell him. It's a huge problem that was going to haunt you. And when you stood by old boy at that particular wedding, it had nothing to do with the fact that old boy was able to take you to the promised land. You was having flashbacks. It literally could be any man that you have any type of deep intimate contact with, any type of attraction that you're going to have those type of feelings. So don't beat yourself up and think that you're about to do something wrong. I don't think that's what it was. Hey, don't let her off. Don't let her off the hook, bro. Well, I mean, I will say, you literally just said last week that you putting yourself in a position where you could be susceptible to some stuff. Oh no, no. I'm saying I'm acknowledging that, but I don't want her beating herself up, saying that she feels like she still wants old boy because she had those type of feelings. I'm sorry, I wasn't clear. My concern here is, I don't think that you should move forward with this wedding without having this particular conversation with him. And also the other side of this, and I'm going to keep it all the way a buck, sis: in three years, if this man and all those particular methods, cuz I'm sure you tried them all, can't take you to the promised land, that is one of the biggest check marks that's going to show that your relationship is going to fail that you possibly could have. Because if he can't please you physically, that is going to lead to bitterness, resentment, and ultimately looking for pleasure outside of the bedroom. And you are largely responsible here, cuz you messed up by not having this conversation already. You're three years deep and you ain't telling him. I can see maybe a year. Yeah, I can see maybe the first couple of times you think, let me play advocate role, it'll get better. I know women often think that dudes still have baggage from previous women that they hold on to, especially when they get deep into a relationship. So they give dudes space to get used to her and stuff like that. But three years? I mean, give me three years. Real talk, it's very different for men, like El said last week. Let's keep it very hard for a man to see. This is not an area that we as men would not be in a relationship with somebody who could not please us sexually. We are not marrying you. We are not staying in the relationship. The dynamics are different though. I'm not saying that the end goal isn't where you're leading to, but the dynamics are different because — how's the dynamics different? Listen, can I finish? No, cuz you didn't let me finish when I was talking. So no. I'm simply saying that she mentioned in her message, how would men handle this being in a relationship with a woman? Would we still continue with the relationship and move forward? We would not. Absolutely not. We would absolutely not sacrifice this area. She could have all the other restaurants in the world, but if that thing works, bro, we will overlook everything. Go ahead, Krush. Go ahead. I mean, I got to say this because one thing that definitely stands out, and maybe we're not highlighting this enough: the fact that this man apparently fulfills her in every other area of life. And the fact that she spoke to this more than once alludes to the idea that she's been through some pretty trash dudes that may have been the complete opposite — awesome in the sack, but terrible for her life overall. You know what I'm saying? And so she finally met a dude that, oh my god, I can relax. I can be me. I can have a career. But there's this one thing. And so she's hanging around three years, but the lack of communication is a bad sign. Is a very bad sign. Maybe she's waiting for him to figure it out. But I think even as a dude, I don't know. She says she's a good actress, and we always say that the woman knows, but I think men will pick up on it. I think we all know the physical signs. She says she's a good actress, bro, but there are certain things you can't fake. Real talk. I think there's certain things we can't miss, given the circumstance. I think that he's talked himself into believing that. It would be crazy if he knew, if he realized. Wait a minute. I wouldn't put it past him, to be honest with you. Real talk. Anyway, but like I was saying, I think the dynamics are quite different when it comes to preparing men and women for these long-term relationships. Absolutely. Men are always directed, whether rightly or wrongly, men are always directed to think that you get into the relationship to have long-lasting, long-committed sex. Whereas women are trained that you use sex to get into the long-lasting relationship for security purposes. So now she's got security, but she's saying that maybe the security that I'm finding in this relationship with a man that checks all the other boxes, that it's not enough. You get what I'm saying? And like I said, I think ultimately at the end of the day, he's getting quote unquote what he wants, because he's not only getting the sex, but he's providing all of the wants, the security, and he has what he thinks is a fully happy woman. And for a man, there could be no better state to be in than to think that your woman is all around happy. But that's the dilemma, and that goes back to — but it's not true. That's not the truth. It goes back to what El said: it is a dastardly thing to allow this man to think that he is fulfilling you always. It is wrong. Letting it just continue to roll, it's wrong. It's very wrong. I mean, just letting him go, because ultimately at the end of the day, when you're not saying anything and allowing it to fester, to build up — this is an engagement. So families have met. So at the end of the day, God forbid, and I'm not wishing any bad on Simone, but if things hit the fan, the first thing he's going to ask you is, "Why didn't you tell me?" Exactly. That's going to be the first question he's going to ask. Why didn't you tell me? He's going to be devastated. Oh, for real. Hands down. I'm doing all of the things, but you allowed me for three years to think that I was pleasing you in all. So again, and I don't want to exaggerate, but for three years, you've lied to this man essentially. Essentially, you've lied to him and made him feel that he was your everything. And again, because the male ego can be so incredibly fragile, when you share this information with him that he hasn't been — it's like you're in a real bad spot, whether you either share it with him and he'd be devastated, or you go into a marriage and not be pleased, because he is going to be crushed ego-wise. Give me a second with that. You made a statement that said the male ego is so incredibly fragile, and I want us to try and juxtapose that. True. Is there anything that a man could be doing or hiding from a woman that her ego would be so fragile that she would be crushed? Oh yeah, plenty. I'm asking because the way El presented it was as though — because we hear this all the time, men are not good at rejection or taking bad news from women, and it makes them act a certain way. I think honestly, in my opinion, something this deep is not a gender-specific thing. It's a rational and emotional thing. You've been lying to me for three years. And essentially the lying category would literally be whatever it is. Well, that's the thing — it also can be you lying about your financial status. And it's going to sound stereotypical and probably horrible, but the financial security component is something that women deeply consider probably more than men going into marriage. They're thinking about that. So a man lying about his financial security, about his financial future — I think that could be damaging, and I think that would probably be more damaging than the sexual component. Yeah. But the male ego when it comes to sex, and you've been doing work for three years — but that's also societal fault, man. Because we're men, Black men specifically, we're hypersexualized as it is anyway. We're led to believe that our prowess, our manliness, our worth is in two things: either what money we have or how good we are in the bedroom. I don't see another thing that's going to work. I think another thing that's going to be contradictory here is that she says this man checks all the boxes, but clearly the communication dynamic isn't real. Yeah. Exactly. Clearly that's another thing that's not genuine, is the whole communication dynamic. I agree, because if he was so good and such a perfect man, you would be able to talk to him. Maybe there's something about his attitude or his personality or his past that made you pause about being that open. Or you know how dastardly your behavior has been, do you know what it would do to him? But you don't have a choice though. You have to just break it down to the dude, man. Tell him all the kinky stuff. You know what I'm saying? It'll be the first test for your marriage. I don't know. I've never been in a situation where a woman has said this to me, so I don't know how this goes. El hasn't been down. He's never been told anything by any woman ever. We been told that we stayed too long, but not that you ain't ring the bell like that. That's not the thing. This dude El is a menace, bro. I swear to God. I am concerned about this brother. We need to find out who his group chat friends is. Yeah, put them on high alert, because my god, we need to watch out for him, bro. I know we're joking, but I think there's a seriousness here. There is a serious component to it, bro. It has the potential to tear at the fabric of their relationship. And I think this is that huge an issue — it's not the sexual dynamic only. I think it's the withholding of the information. I am so adamant about partners robbing their partners of the opportunity to stand in the pocket with them. Yep. When you rob me of that opportunity to be there and to stand up for you — it's one thing if you give me the opportunity and I don't show up. It's another thing if you just take it away from me. You can't steal from me. And I think that's what she's doing there. But sis, I got so many questions for you. Like what toys you got? But that's the thing. There are certain things you can't see. You got to ask the question. There's no woman that I know that in three years time hasn't used their other methods, their feminine wiles, their influence, whatever you want to call it, to lead their partner in the right direction to get to where they want to get to. Three years, three years letting that dude just be swinging. You know what this also implies? That maybe she does not know herself, or there are women out there who have a difficult time. Women are going to come in your inbox, Krush — that climax, orgasm, in different methods. Some women struggle with that. They struggle with orgasm via penetration. They struggle with it through oral. So it could be a thing, and I don't mean to make it sound bad, but a medical thing. I remember dating a girl in high school who medically could not get lubricated. That was a thing for her, and I can't remember the name of the thing. And I know women who have been in relationships for years who have never had an orgasm with their partner. So I don't want to make it seem like this is exclusive to this particular relationship. There's a whole lot of relationships out there where women, for a number of reasons — oppressive relationships, patriarchy, religion, all these different things — have never been satisfied sexually. So while I'm making a joke about how serious this is, there are some other layers and other potential problems that could be playing a role in this, right? Are you someone who was always able to climax and find orgasm through penetration? Was that always a thing for you, or was it kind of hit or miss? It could be a number of things. But sis, have the conversation. Stop hiding and talk to him. There's so many creative things you guys can try. My DMs are open. Let me know. We are trying to keep her away from having an incident of infidelity and this dude is telling a woman that's about to be married to show up in his DMs. This is dastardly, bro. Elgin is dastardly, bro. You dastardly, bro.

The letter: engaged, in love, and three years of acting

Simone is 32 and getting married in the spring. By her own account her fiance is the best man she has ever known — steady, kind, saved a year for the ring, prays over dinner, loves her mama. On paper he is everything the aunties told her to hold out for. She has also never once finished with him in three years, and she has let him believe otherwise since the first night.

What cracked it open was not him. It was a cousin’s wedding, standing a little too close to somebody from her past, and a body that remembered something she had spent three years pretending not to know. Nothing happened. But she went home to her good man and her nice ring and lay awake doing a math problem she could not solve: am I about to sign up for fifty years of pretending?

The silence is the betrayal — not the sex

Big El said it plainest: you are not having the conversation. Sex you can work on. Technique you can learn. Two bodies you can figure out together, and most couples do. What you cannot get back is three years in which a man believed he was doing right by his woman because she told him he was.

Big O put the sharpest frame on it — partners robbing each other of the chance to stand in the pocket with them. It is one thing to give a man the opportunity and watch him fail it. It is another thing to take the opportunity away entirely. When this finally surfaces, and it will, his first question is not going to be about sex. It is going to be why didn’t you tell me? That is the question with no good answer. It is the same trap we broke down when a husband hid his medication for two years in the ED and toolbox letter: the hiding does more damage than the thing being hidden.

“He checks every box” cannot be true if you cannot talk to him

Krush caught the contradiction running under the whole letter. If this man is genuinely the safe one, the steady one, the first one you could finally relax around — then he is someone you can talk to. And if you have not been able to talk to him about something this big for three years, then communication is a box he does not actually check.

That reframes the question entirely. She is not choosing between a good man and good sex. She has found a gap in the exact thing that holds long marriages together, and she found it before the wedding instead of ten years and two kids after. That is a gift, even if it does not feel like one this week.

The male ego — and why this is not only a man problem

Big El flagged the obvious risk: Black men in particular get taught that our worth lives in two places, what we earn and what we do in the bedroom, so this news is going to land hard. Krush pushed back on whether that is really a gender thing. Would a woman be crushed by three years of being lied to? Of course she would. Swap the lie for money — a man hiding his real financial picture from a woman building a life with him — and the damage may be worse, because that is the security she was told to plan around.

So the takeaway is not protect his ego. It is that being lied to for three years hurts anybody, and the repair is identical either way: tell the truth while there is still time to do something with it. That is the same principle behind what we said about a partner isolating a best friend — the silence is what does the structural damage.

Not being able to finish is far more common than anybody admits

This part deserves accuracy instead of jokes. Difficulty reaching orgasm — clinically, anorgasmia — is common, and plenty of women have never had one with a partner. The causes range widely: medication side effects (antidepressants are a frequent culprit), hormonal shifts, diabetes and other health conditions, pelvic pain, past trauma, religious or cultural shame around pleasure, and plain mismatched technique nobody ever said out loud. Most women do not climax from penetration alone. That is typical, not broken.

Which means this letter may not even be a relationship problem at its root. It might be a body question, a medication question, or a question for a doctor or a certified sex therapist. None of those get answered while it stays a secret. (We are three men with microphones, not clinicians — for anything medical, see a real one.)

How to actually have the conversation

Lead with what is true and generous: I love you, I want the fifty years, and I have been carrying something I should have brought to you a long time ago. Own the three years instead of spreading them around. Then make it a project rather than a verdict — here is what I am learning about my own body, here is what I want to try, here is the appointment I already made. Give him back the chance you took away.

It will be a hard week. It is a great deal shorter than fifty years. And the way two people handle this conversation tells you more about the marriage than the wedding will.

Watch the full Black Box breakdown above — Big O, Big El and Krush go further than we can here, and they do not all land in the same place. If this is the kind of grown conversation you want more of, become family and roll with us. We also get into relationship dynamics in the older woman, younger man conversation.

Informed. Intelligent. In The Black.